You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
