We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me