does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
