1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
