Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
