Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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