My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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