I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
