a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
