I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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