There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
