omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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