I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
