why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
