so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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