new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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