to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
