Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize