Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
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After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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