She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
