I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
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Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
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That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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