I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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