I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
