you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
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So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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