Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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