I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
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It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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