I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
