angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
