I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
