the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
