Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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