My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
