Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
