Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
