I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
