I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
