see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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