1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
