someone threw a dead crab at me
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
