my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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