I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
