We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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