The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
