She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
