people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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