her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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