it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.