if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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