i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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