so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
