Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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